A Kiss of Apology

I’ve been gone for awhile now
Lost in my mind
I’ve whispered secrets not allowed
Can you hear my cry?

It’s a shame you are no longer here
Did you know the time?
I fear the end has come, my dear
Let’s embrace our last flight.

~J. Spade

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Shame On Me

Laugh at me,
Just make me cry,
Do whatever you want,
But don’t tell me why.

Say that you hate me,
Tell me I’m worthless,
Just don’t say you’re sorry,
If you don’t really mean it.

~J. Spade

Breath of Life

The quiet Earth gives way to a shallow flowing river,
Allowing the thin trickle of noise to take resonance.

The wind sweeps through the branches of a tall billowing tree,
Creating a majestic rustle of red leaves rushing.

An abandoned parking lot lays empty and alone,
Forgetting its days of youth, life and longevity.

And in that parking lot lies a tiny wisp of a flower;
Frail, and on the edge of being broken and abandoned.

All the while an absence of heat from the blistering sun,
Leaves living beings unsatisfied with an unquenchable tumult,

One that appears on a mothers face like a stern expression,
And sits in the gentle Earth heaving an all-known great presence.

And all this time the deep gusts rush past me in great lashes,
Leaving me chilled, and forever pondering the meaning of life.

~Johana Spade

Apologies Are Not Necessary

It’s funny how I feel the need to justify my writing. I’m practically apologizing for being human and making mistakes anytime a person finds even the most minor of flaws within my creative works. Hell, I’d probably do the same thing here on my blog. It doesn’t really make sense. I should not feel the need to make excuses for something I put so much effort into, because the fact of the matter is the person is trying to help me. Have I mentioned that I’m terrible at accepting help?

Maybe I should rewind.

Recently, I gave my mom the first two chapters of a novel I wrote. This novel has gone through a series of edits, and I finally got to the point where I decided I was going to redo the entire thing. I gave my mother a copy of the renewed draft, so even though it’s way different than the previous one it is still rough. When I came over for dinner with my family, my mom asked if she could write on it. I don’t know why I took it so personally, but I began to feel bad that I had given someone something so unpolished. I shouldn’t feel bad. I’m sharing. She asked to see this, because she’s proud of me or whatever. I don’t need to make excuses. I know this. Yet I do it anyway.

It’s a side effect of me constantly thinking my writing is sub par. I need to break this habit, because I don’t need to be perfect. Comparing myself to others is not going to do me any good, because how boring would it be if everyone wrote the same.

This is where I make a point to start finding the beauty in my style and owning it. Because I’m never going to be anyone other than myself.

~ Johana Spade.

Help & Poetry

I’ve been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then it came to me. As the weather started to turn sour, so did my mood. It’s one of those things where you begin to find it harder and harder to get out of bed, and you start putting off tasks that would normally be a quick job. That’s been me lately, it’s really a wonder I’ve been getting anything done.

The reason for this is because I’ve had a flare up of S.A.D – season affected depression that is. Sometimes I forget that I suffer from it, especially when last year I was so busy that I really didn’t have time to be alone with my thoughts. It didn’t hit me as hard as it is hitting me now. I’m posting this here because I want everyone to know that they are not alone. They don’t need to feel bad if they are having troubles adjusting, because it happens to a lot of people. Especially here in the Pacific Northwest.

In fact, the other day I wrote a poem that I would like to share. It depicts of how I feel whenever this comes around, and I’m betting people can relate.

You can feel like you’re choking
Suffocating on air
Your lungs could burst
But really who would care

Your feelings are fleeting
Your heart might be ice
Because you don’t have the will
To even play nice

You really wish you could feel
The way that you used to
You wish you could just see
The light instead of blue

But most of all the thing you want
Is for your heart to beat
Instead of breaking and pulling taut
Because you can’t stand that

Obviously it’s reflective of the funk I’m in, but that’s neither here or there, because really the reason I shared that was to give tips to those who might feel the same way. Some of the techniques I have found useful for this empty void in my chest are as follows:

  • Music. Listen to something upbeat, something to get your body moving and blood flowing. Sad songs aren’t going to cut it, because while they reflect your mood perfectly it’s only going to drag you further into your funk.
  • Write. It doesn’t matter what. Silly little poems, notes about the weather, how you’re feeling. Anything. Write it down.
  • Draw or color. I’ve hauled out my coloring books, and the color I place onto the paper really helps me cheer up a bit.
  • Eat. Make your favorite food, or just something simple. Being down in the dumps is no reason to let your health follow. Stay healthy, because your mood will improve.

Hopefully this at least helps somebody out there, because I really do know what it is like. There are people out there to support you, and you are not alone.

~Johana Spade.

 

Hidden Whispers

This is just an old poem of mine that I’m still attached to. It remains unedited, but very dear to my heart.


 

The mystical flaw of leaving things all alone
Hides nothing but openness, like a budding rose.
There is nothing but petals, stems, and leaves,
So the only secrets created, are not meant to keep.

There is a definitive potion of absolute serenity,
When cautiously handling all things clandestine.
Just like an old sofa, with fabric of deepened red,
Doesn’t show the sodden stains of blood.

A secret can be exchanged between close friends.
It’s a confidentiality that is given with permission,
Like a gift wrapped with paper in shades of hued gold,
It has a purpose meant to bring people closer together.

The whispered words oft come in a soft sounding caress,
It’s the reason they can sometimes sound more than a little sad.
But a small child will only shed tears when he or she is unheeded,
So always share your closest words with those that are the best.

~J. Spade

No Excess

‘All good things come in moderation’
Is what you always say
But I’m not all that sure what it means
Or how to make you stay

You tell me I should keep my head up
And work for what I’ve got
But in my mind, I do all of that
Yet always miss my shot

The words you say can sound like advice
But I take them all with salt
Cause when I make all my dreams come true
Only I will be at fault

~Johana Spade

Brevity Pulls

“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” — Blaise Pascal
Where do you fall on the brevity/verbosity spectrum?


 

As I sit here and contemplate where I stand on the scale of brevity versus verbosity, it becomes quite obvious that I tend to be more on the verbose side of things. After all, I did just spend the last couple of hours creating an outline – that is right an outline – that ended up being 5,000 words. The outline was probably far too detailed, but I guess hopefully this way writer’s block will not be an issue.

There are times when I fall more towards brevity. If I do not wish to be talking, which sometimes is during verbal presentations, or if I’m tired or angry I tend to be more clipped with my words.

Whether it a person speaks or writes with brevity or verbosity, it does not make one better than the other. Sometimes brevity works and the same can be said for verbosity. The real talent is finding out which works under the situation. If you can combine the right amount of brevity and verbosity into a story then you will have a true impact. After all, it’s the difference between show and tell in a creative environment.

~J. Spade.

Stumped

When was the last time you were completely stumped by a question, a request, or a situation you found yourself in? How did you handle it?


Life is full of challenges
Some you can face head on
Others you have to decipher
In order to stay strong

There will be a time that you
Don’t know know your way
It will take a lot of thought
You’ll ask yourself questions

When you find yourself stuck
And you think you might come undone
Take a breath in through your gut
It’s good to give yourself some time
~J. Spade